The world of a working Mom is surrounded by guilt. No matter what you are doing or who you are with, you feel like you are gypping someone out of your time. Add in the fact that I am an overachieving control freak and I am basically screwed. Especially Monday through Friday. If I leave at 5 to spend time with Roo, I feel like I am not doing my job and by the time I get home I feel like I am rushing to put her to sleep so I can check my email. Add to that the fact that I have been on a plane almost every other week since January 1 and I just feel like a crappy Mom and a crappy employee.
After returning from the Bahamas it has been especially bad. This past weekend I had to miss out on my typical Roo time and head to NJ for a friend’s bridal shower. I really couldn’t take her with me so I left her at home with Dad and felt HORRIBLE. By the time I got home on Sunday she was 2 hours away from her bedtime and I had to be on a 6 AM flight to AR on Monday. I was so stressed about it, but Roo, as always, made me feel better.
Our typical bedtime routine is Mommy is in charge of bath time and bedtime prep. Daddy is in charge of reading and rocking. This night Kerry offered to let me hog the entire bedtime routine and read to Roo since I wouldn’t see her all week. I gladly accepted. Roo climbed into my lap with George (Curious George has become her cuddle buddy lately) and I began reading a Winnie the Pooh book. As I got to somewhere in the middle of the story, my sweet little girl looked up at me through her blonde bangs and reached up behind my neck with her free arm. She pulled me towards her, nuzzled into my neck, gave me a kiss and began patting me on the back in a comforting way. To me it was as if she was saying, “it’s OK Mommy, I still love you and I know you are doing the best you can”. I just started crying. It was quite possibly the best moment I have ever experienced. Of course, let’s be honest, she could’ve been thinking “please stop reading, you are boring me to death”. But I like my interpretation better. It helps me feel a little less guilty. Not much, but a little.
So as I sit in meetings, rushed to client dinners and tried to solve the world’s business problems, I try to remember that is it not quantity, it is quality that counts and that I need to treasure every moment I get to spend with my little girl. I need to slow down and enjoy those moments, even though the moment might a temper tantrum in the middle of Target that is so horrific I fear someone is about to call Child Protective Services and report me for torture. I take a deep breath, hug her and remind her how much I love her. That is what counts, that no matter what, she knows that I love her. More than anything.
1 comment:
Well, even being a stay at home Mom, I still feel like I fail as a Mommy sometimes! I couldn't agree more with the whole quantity vs. quality. I feel guilty for trying to clean the house when I could be sitting in the floor playing.
Reagan looks so grown up! She is so cute and looks like a lot of fun!
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